Okay, so your probably wondering what toxic shame is?
There are two types: Core Toxic shame and Situational Toxic Shame.
The main difference is Core Toxic Shame has come from other people at some point in the past. It does not belong to you!
Situational Toxic Shame partly belongs to you and it’s the only one you technically should own.
Thats misleading though cause you shouldn’t own either.
Toxic shame is like viewing yourself through other peoples eyes; their disgust possibly of you and their contempt. Toxic shame is like owning up for a fart you didn’t do.
The problem is that patterns in life repeat and if you treat or think badly of yourself- other people might use you as a dumping ground for their problems-
The pattern might come from events of people doing this to you in the past or you may not even be aware of it, or you may be used to it, in a early family setting.
Either way by taking responsibility and apportioning appropriate blame and making different choices- situational Toxic Shame is dealt with. You can start to trust yourself and your judgements and actions.
Even if you made past mistakes- as long as your choices are better in the present this means your future does not have to be your past.
For Core Toxic shame- I think you really need to love yourself and use anger to protect your boundaries. Trust in the process and if your self esteem is under attack by someone use a mirror back to their motives to shine a light on their ugliness.
If someone makes you feel weird or unhappy with what they do or treat you in a certain way. They may have learnt this. And just because they have made you feel terrible, doesn’t mean ‘you are’ terrible.
Bottom line though is ‘treat others how you want to be treated’. And if you do the same back to someone else as they have done to you, and they don’t like it- it suggests their motives were not great.