The Patronus and Advocate

‘Words cannot hurt you, can they?’

But how can words effect people so much and in particularly labels and stereotypes?

This is where having a Patronus and Avocate would be great.

An advocate would be like a lawyer, building up your case and defending yourself against wrongful attack and ignorance even when you are not with it or unable to defend.

A guide that lets you know your never wrong. One that has your back, the voice of your soul perhaps, or the voice of yourself speaking to a younger version of yourself.

The imagery of a patronus is fantastic antidote and medicine to the perils of the world and external environment. A light that never goes out and pushes demons away.

The mind loves imagery sometimes just playing around with ideas like this can get you out of a rut.

Sometimes it seems people do have demons and these demons understand how you think, act and behave.

But each time a demon comes into your subconscious, they are learning about you, but you are also learning them. How they behave and how to ultimately defend, beat and banish it from your mind.

Im not talking of a religious demon, more like a complex world of confusion and muddles and real life issues.

Understand your demons, learn their weaknesses, have your back and chip away at the concepts, and banish the poisonous ideas from returning.

And watch, gradually over time as new experiences enter your life, walking a path you’ve never walked before.

Toxic Shame

Okay, so your probably wondering what toxic shame is?

There are two types: Core Toxic shame and Situational Toxic Shame.

The main difference is Core Toxic Shame has come from other people at some point in the past. It does not belong to you!

Situational Toxic Shame partly belongs to you and it’s the only one you technically should own.

Thats misleading though cause you shouldn’t own either.

Toxic shame is like viewing yourself through other peoples eyes; their disgust possibly of you and their contempt. Toxic shame is like owning up for a fart you didn’t do.

The problem is that patterns in life repeat and if you treat or think badly of yourself- other people might use you as a dumping ground for their problems-

The pattern might come from events of people doing this to you in the past or you may not even be aware of it, or you may be used to it, in a early family setting.

Either way by taking responsibility and apportioning appropriate blame and making different choices- situational Toxic Shame is dealt with. You can start to trust yourself and your judgements and actions.

Even if you made past mistakes- as long as your choices are better in the present this means your future does not have to be your past.

For Core Toxic shame- I think you really need to love yourself and use anger to protect your boundaries. Trust in the process and if your self esteem is under attack by someone use a mirror back to their motives to shine a light on their ugliness.

If someone makes you feel weird or unhappy with what they do or treat you in a certain way. They may have learnt this. And just because they have made you feel terrible, doesn’t mean ‘you are’ terrible.

Bottom line though is ‘treat others how you want to be treated’. And if you do the same back to someone else as they have done to you, and they don’t like it- it suggests their motives were not great.

Start of the hypomania

A period of creativeness started about a week ago and now feel very irritable and high.

It started off pleasantly but now its horrible, I need a rest.

Had two complete nights of insomnia where I have not felt the need for sleep.

Forcing myself to sleep is tricky, have to meditate and even when I have slept do not feel rested.

Music creation is sending me slightly crazy too!

My solution is choirs around the house, busying myself and trying to exhaust myself by long distance walking.

Its so subtle to start with but luckily I have insight from previous experience of it.

It can be dangerous as in full mania, so going to be really careful for a week not to overdo things that make me feel too good.

In times like these I try and think of sad and depressing things to bring me down. And work and exercise to keep grounded.

Hope everyone is feeling well during these strange times.

Just checking in

I have not posted for a while. Its been a strange few months.

I spent a month in hospital being tiltrated on Clozapine.

I found that there were pros and cons of Clozapine- like most drugs!

The pros were that I was relatively untroubled by mental health

The cons were my physical health deteriorated. My resting heart rate was a constant 110 bpm.

In fact I had so many heart related worries I went into A and E on two separate occasions.

The Psychiatrists decided that it was not suiting me to be on Clozapine and also with the combined Global pandemic of Corona Virus Ive had to be weaned off.

So I’ve spent two months doing very little except the occasional walk, cooking and watching films.

Boredom has now been kicking in and I’m back on to Olanzapine.

Olanzapine is not perfect but its the best one for me, with relatively little side effects.

Going to try and structure life into more holistic ways and see what difference it has.

Hope everyone is keeping well and managing to stay positive!

1st week clozapine

Thought symptoms

Paranoia gone, delusion gone, anxiety lower, obsessive thoughts lower, overthinking/over analysing lower, no trauma memories, have not got stuck in mind maze, my insight however has also been lower as not so aware of my consciousness, time slowed down, I feel I’ve overslept each morning but up at 8am, sense of humour intact, filtering out more stimulus not so sensitive, seems like I have a force field or thinker skin.

Mood symptons

Taken me out of a high/mania, slows chemistry down, easier to chat and empathise with others without having mood contagion, my thoughts seem more private, can’t read minds or others can’t read mine

Side effects

Extreme tiredness, feeling slightly sick, giddiness, sensation of spinning, strange headaches, pins and needles, odd legs aches, feinting, acid reflux for 2 days, spacey, hungry, excess saliva, heart palpitations, racing heart, worry about heart attacks, knocked out


This drug is serious stuff. 1st week on it I’ve noticed I’m not manic or depressed and very little thought problems.

Socialising is in a way easier. Seriously knocks me out in the evening and very groggy.

But it’s working!

Only worry is if my system can tolerate the drug!

Lots of health checks and monitoring in hospital.

So far so good but white blood cell count arrives tomorrow. Fingers crossed there is no abnormalities.

In hospital flashbacks

Memories flood back with familiar sights and smells. The sadness and loss comes in waves.

Yet I’m open minded and doors that were once closed can open.

17 years ago this illness started me on a journey. A colourful journey but a hard journey all the same.

But the future is not yet written and the past doesn’t have to effect the present!!

Today I am starting Clozapine.

It could be the start of a new life or an acceptance of limitations if I have to continue with the old meds that have partly stopped working!

Blood tests, monitoring and patience.

I’m praying for a good outcome.


When first in mania falling in love was intense. Are you really in love with her or the idea of what you see.

Infatuations is looking at people with romantic notions with rose tinted glasses.

There is a very nice side to this but if not reciprocated its not good.

Everyone wants something different, be it friendship, love, sex. If you match great. If you don’t is it healthy?

And should you not save your good feelings for somebody else that can reciprocate rather than spend it on a friendship?

Infactuations is like a dopamine circuit board where wishes and dreams and hope are mixed together. It’s like a gambling slot machine where you feed the machine but it rarely if ever cashes out.

Again, if your expectations are different you don’t get caught in this trap but maybe also you lose interest because you may be getting what you need else where?

And then is it a friendship but more on an aquientences level where you don’t really care?

If only life was like a Disney.

Just got to match is the key…

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