Time machine

2008 started a process where I had to sort out memories.

In 2008 I was dealing with memories that I was stuck in ten years prior.

Its been a long difficult journey with patterns to some degree repeating.

Finally i’m catching up with myself and dealing with things much more in the present.

Sometimes triggers crop up and things people said that I didn’t deal with at the time but it’s a much nearer past. Im either 34 or dealing with stuff at 31 years of age.

Things for me are really exciting now. Its like walking on a path I have never been on before. Things in my mind are new and the future is not written.

Being a loner….and loving it!

Ive discovered over last few years that I love being a loner!

Ive been in stages of life where I was very popular but last 5 years Ive had fewer and fewer friends and done less socialising and i’ve been getting happier within myself.

Im not sure what this means? I mean I have good social skills and can enjoy socialising but generally finding piece of mind and more creativity on my own!!

This goes against what society thinks I need. I tell a lie cause I do sometimes enjoy company but mainly at a neutral location- like sports event or cafe.

I like my own space for myself or animals. I have no idea if I met someone how I could live with someone else!

The danger of being too happy I guess is someone will comment on it.

Things people may say

‘You love yourself too much’ or ‘your a narcissist’?

Or if your sad

‘Oh, you must have low esteem problems’

The list goes on. I think in the past being a popular person I fitted in with people a lot and did and said what they wanted at the cost of my own views and opinions.

Another label could be I am self centred I guess…that is preferring my own company.

Or ‘your too sensitive, grow thicker skin’, this is a classic when your receiving nasty comments that ive seen people do.

Haha, you can never win in life, well actually you can.

Just be not bothered by peoples reactions and learn their positions and motives. It becomes less personal!

Funnily enough, I have grown thicker skin by being more self absorbed and happier. As a result I am perhaps more critical of other people’s opinions but I see this as healthy.

The strange thing about people mentioning grow thicker skin is that if you attack them back, you may find out their skin is thinner than yours!

People often say things about themselves directed at you. Working out what belongs to them and you is really helpful. What people say about you, really tells you more about them.


Okay, so I plan to lose weight. Im 16.5 stone and want to get to 12 stone minimum.

Ive decided to bite the bullet and cut out meat, processed sugars and foods and limit dairy.

Vegetables is the way forward I think. On a diet wheel I found online your daily diet should be 24% vegetables, 24% fruit, 30% carbohydrates, 14% protein, 4% dairy and 4 % oils/fats.

Fruit and vegetables are considered body balancing foods, Carbs are for energy, proteins are for muscle and repair and dairy has vital calcium and other nutrients, fats are also important for cells but in moderation.

I figure that there is no room for cakes and biscuits and crisps. They kind of don’t fit in anywhere.

Instead of counting calories which is super tedious I am going to make sure I stick to the diet wheel percentages.

As long as I eat whats on the wheel im going to eat as much as I like. Don’t want to feel hungry, as this leaves temptation more prone to sugary quick fix foods.

Was hard starting but now i’m really excited as been 2 weeks so far and have lost 3/4 of a stone.

Also been doing a bit of sport, but still….!

Im actually finding having massive amounts of vegetables and fruit really satisfying. Ive been a big carnivore in the past and do enjoy a bit of meat but I’m slowly changing my mind.

Going to plant some in the garden and see how many different vegetables I can grow….

Big fan of beetroot and advocados and mushrooms. Hmmmmm, veggie-troubles….Delicious 🙂

The Patronus and Advocate

‘Words cannot hurt you, can they?’

But how can words effect people so much and in particularly labels and stereotypes?

This is where having a Patronus and Avocate would be great.

An advocate would be like a lawyer, building up your case and defending yourself against wrongful attack and ignorance even when you are not with it or unable to defend.

A guide that lets you know your never wrong. One that has your back, the voice of your soul perhaps, or the voice of yourself speaking to a younger version of yourself.

The imagery of a patronus is fantastic antidote and medicine to the perils of the world and external environment. A light that never goes out and pushes demons away.

The mind loves imagery sometimes just playing around with ideas like this can get you out of a rut.

Sometimes it seems people do have demons and these demons understand how you think, act and behave.

But each time a demon comes into your subconscious, they are learning about you, but you are also learning them. How they behave and how to ultimately defend, beat and banish it from your mind.

Im not talking of a religious demon, more like a complex world of confusion and muddles and real life issues.

Understand your demons, learn their weaknesses, have your back and chip away at the concepts, and banish the poisonous ideas from returning.

And watch, gradually over time as new experiences enter your life, walking a path you’ve never walked before.

Toxic Shame

Okay, so your probably wondering what toxic shame is?

There are two types: Core Toxic shame and Situational Toxic Shame.

The main difference is Core Toxic Shame has come from other people at some point in the past. It does not belong to you!

Situational Toxic Shame partly belongs to you and it’s the only one you technically should own.

Thats misleading though cause you shouldn’t own either.

Toxic shame is like viewing yourself through other peoples eyes; their disgust possibly of you and their contempt. Toxic shame is like owning up for a fart you didn’t do.

The problem is that patterns in life repeat and if you treat or think badly of yourself- other people might use you as a dumping ground for their problems-

The pattern might come from events of people doing this to you in the past or you may not even be aware of it, or you may be used to it, in a early family setting.

Either way by taking responsibility and apportioning appropriate blame and making different choices- situational Toxic Shame is dealt with. You can start to trust yourself and your judgements and actions.

Even if you made past mistakes- as long as your choices are better in the present this means your future does not have to be your past.

For Core Toxic shame- I think you really need to love yourself and use anger to protect your boundaries. Trust in the process and if your self esteem is under attack by someone use a mirror back to their motives to shine a light on their ugliness.

If someone makes you feel weird or unhappy with what they do or treat you in a certain way. They may have learnt this. And just because they have made you feel terrible, doesn’t mean ‘you are’ terrible.

Bottom line though is ‘treat others how you want to be treated’. And if you do the same back to someone else as they have done to you, and they don’t like it- it suggests their motives were not great.

Start of the hypomania

A period of creativeness started about a week ago and now feel very irritable and high.

It started off pleasantly but now its horrible, I need a rest.

Had two complete nights of insomnia where I have not felt the need for sleep.

Forcing myself to sleep is tricky, have to meditate and even when I have slept do not feel rested.

Music creation is sending me slightly crazy too!

My solution is choirs around the house, busying myself and trying to exhaust myself by long distance walking.

Its so subtle to start with but luckily I have insight from previous experience of it.

It can be dangerous as in full mania, so going to be really careful for a week not to overdo things that make me feel too good.

In times like these I try and think of sad and depressing things to bring me down. And work and exercise to keep grounded.

Hope everyone is feeling well during these strange times.

Just checking in

I have not posted for a while. Its been a strange few months.

I spent a month in hospital being tiltrated on Clozapine.

I found that there were pros and cons of Clozapine- like most drugs!

The pros were that I was relatively untroubled by mental health

The cons were my physical health deteriorated. My resting heart rate was a constant 110 bpm.

In fact I had so many heart related worries I went into A and E on two separate occasions.

The Psychiatrists decided that it was not suiting me to be on Clozapine and also with the combined Global pandemic of Corona Virus Ive had to be weaned off.

So I’ve spent two months doing very little except the occasional walk, cooking and watching films.

Boredom has now been kicking in and I’m back on to Olanzapine.

Olanzapine is not perfect but its the best one for me, with relatively little side effects.

Going to try and structure life into more holistic ways and see what difference it has.

Hope everyone is keeping well and managing to stay positive!

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